So sorry mom

I got impatient on the phone, but mom didn't notice it. I felt so terrible...Sigh, Feeling so bad towards my parents.

Growing Old

I used to want to die young, like in my 20s. Yet growing older has me appreciating things I couldn't have as a young person. The decline of physical strength takes the view of life towards a more humble and hopefully tolerant, direction. A trivial but of personal importance thing is that I've also learned to watch, listen, and understand movies and music that I would have never wanted or been able to to before. Good examples are the Westerns by Sergio Leone, certain pieces by Ennio Morricone.

I guess it is fair to say that when younger, one enjoys adventures, and when older, one still enjoys adventure--but reflected and inward-looking ones.

It's fun, seeing how oneself being shaped by time and space, and the ways decisions are made accordingly.

Che Guevara at the Christmas market

Since this morning the advertising on Cherbourg's Christmas market (marché de Noël) has been broadcasting non-stop: a mix of songs--seasonal, French, pop and jazz, along with episodic advertisement on local shops. Pumping up the consumption by the year's end. Suddenly I heard a song about Che Guevara (!). The lyrics was Spanish and was all Greek to me, but I understood pretty well the words Che Guevara, and the melody...it is just too passionate like "Internationale" to be christmasy. I was surprised and intrigued. What does Christmas have to do with Che Guevara? Is the organizer an admirer of Che and wanted to smuggle out a message?

So I looked the song up.

The title is "Hasta Siempre", a 1965 Spanish song composed by a Cuban compose. Needless to say, the lyrics is a homage to Che and the Cuban Revolution, and many have done their own versions of the song since its release, usually by left-leaning artists . The version broadcasted was made by the French actress Nathalie Cardone; the single made a second place on the chart in 1997. I watched the video but much to my surprise, it was disturbing, personally speaking. The first minute was direct: it began with the sound of gun shot, followed by several takes of Che's dead body. This is fine, if it is meant to expose the audience to the harsh reality. But what follows is just odd, particularly the takes. How do I put it...very Horatio Caine style. The hero-who-has-too-much-baggage's (in this case heroine) one man show. Shocked and (maybe) inspired by Che's death, she took up the gun shooting, walked down the street with a baby in the arm, regarded local residents like a tourist. Then she led a group of women marching like a savior, all in slow motion. Later on she even started to dance by the bonfire (WTF?) I didn't finish the song.

Not until I watched the video did I realize that there was more self-absorption of the singer than a homage to Che. She probably meant well and tried her best to display the revolutionary spirit but at any rate, the director just failed to convey the message...and the organizer of the Christmas market, I guess that he's picked the song because it was a top song and made by a French. The whole incident was much ado about nothing, purely my over-interpretation. And hasn't Che been made into the Michael Jackson of socialist revolution--much romanticized and consumed. Only a few remember the struggle, feel the pain and keep on fighting. Whoever is living in pain does not need the song to remember Che. The song is for the survivor, not for the dead or the fighter.

Today marks the beginning of my self-searching business.

I do not even know what self I am searching for; I just hope that, by writing down glimps of thoughts, the moments of depression, weakness and confusion are kept so that I can never deny their existence.